Thursday, April 3, 2014

pillow party

On April 11, I will have met my hubbins six years ago in a sweaty, angsty, natty-light smelling all-male a Capella house. I could tell you exactly what I was wearing. Those were the days when what to wear was among the bigger deals of my day.

I wonder sometimes if N. misses that girl. The one he fell in love with, I mean. I'm not that girl anymore. I'm kinda boring now. There's truly nothing I'd rather avoid more than a crowded house or a bar past 10pm. I could once conjure adrenaline at 2am, drive on back roads, blast the new Coldplay song (on a mix cd, mind you).

Now, I go to bed no later than 10pm. N. and I never go to bed without one another. Truly, I don't think we've ever done it. We brush our teeth, N. watches soccer on his phone, I shower, I make a joke about inviting him to the "pillow party" (I have to make a moat of pillows around myself now that I'm 32 weeks pregnant and achy, always, achy) to which he laughs but then usually says, "there it is!" because he knows that joke is coming. We talk for a few minutes, but not more than a few, because N. falls asleep in the middle of a sentence. He has this ability to simply turn off his mind when he's ready to go to bed. Just turn it off! I am more like a tangle of necklaces you haven't worn since high school, but there's this special occasion and you just HAVE to get to this one chain, so you take a needle to it and go about unraveling.

I don't think he'd ever tell me if he missed the girl he met in 2008. She was excitable and fearless. The one now is more careful, more selfless, more quiet--traits I needed to pick up, if you asked me, but you knows? Maybe he liked the wild me?

He's changed, too. I like how he's changed. We've changed together, probably. I hope he likes the woman I am now, the woman I'm becoming and will eventually be. We are probably all always changing.

Anyway, this time of year makes me think of when we met. The first taste of Spring when you wear shorts even though it's not quite warm enough just yet, but you just need to have your legs feel the air again. You need a reason to shave and use sunless tanner. The first days of Spring remind me of getting sushi with N. We can both still tell you exactly what we got, what we drank--a whole bottle of Gewurztraminer, then we walked to get gelato. Our first date. 

Happy Spring, y'all. I am feeling in love. I hope you are, too.

xo, 

B

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