Wednesday, January 15, 2014

enough

I cried so hard yesterday morning that Simon thought I was playing a game. He laughed, so I covered my face with my hands, and he said, "Isheeeeeyew!" ("I see you") which made me cry harder, because it was so sweet, and I am hormonal.

Mornings, traditionally, at Bakertown, go by so fast that it's lunchtime before I've got contacts in and actual pants on. Simon's breakfast, my breakfast, let the dog out, catch up on emails, get a little work done, do a little laundry, load up the dishwasher and BAM. It's noon. It happens that way because--sprinkled between these to-do's--I'm pulling Simon off the book shelf, cleaning up broken glass from a picture frame he threw, nursing a bloody mouth because he climbed on the kitchen table and fell (for the third time)...I hate to stereotype my son, but DANG if he's not 100% pure, energetic, climbing, daredevil-ing BOY.

I had decided that yesterday was going to be different. I was going to be the organized mom who got out of the house before 9:30am and took my son to the discovery museum. I had it all planned out: I would put Simon in front of an episode of "Doooowidge" as in, Curious, run upstairs without him noticing, wash my face, put on clothes, and TADA! We'd be out the door. I'd even pack him a healthful snack this time, instead of hot dogs. I put pillows around the kitchen table in case he fell (again) and moved all potentially dangerous items to cabinets which I then bungee-corded shut. (This is my reality).

When I noticed I hadn't heard his pitter-patters for a few minutes,  I was too curious. I was completely naked (it's hard finding clothes when you're 20 weeks pregnant, because you're not super pregnant yet, but you sure aren't lookin' like you used to, ya dig?), so anyway: I was naked. I peeked downstairs and nearly screamed:

The front door was wide open, and neither dog nor boy were watching Curious George.

I bolted to my closet, threw on a bathrobe (didn't tie the belt around...no time when your toddler could be playing in traffic), jumped down at least seven stairs (poor baby in utero....) and found the boys: the dog boy was peeing in the yard, the human boy was squatting and playing in a pile of mud.

I picked Simon up, holding him at arm's length from my un-tied robe (sorry neighbors!), because--for some reason--now was the time to care about getting my robe dirty (?), and by some miracle got us all inside before CPS or animal control showed up. 

Y'all. I always deadbolt that door. I swear to you the child unlocked it.

I brought Simon upstairs with me to finish "getting ready" (aka putting clothes and mascara on). In the time it took me to do these two things, he had taken all of the shoes from my closet, pulled the hair straightener down and started the washing machine.

I sat on my bathroom floor. That's when I cried.

It's hard to feel like I'm enough sometimes. I wonder if I'm the only mother in Charlottesville who can't get out of the house without at least two catastrophes. I wonder how they do it: the moms who go for morning runs, make their own almond milk and get their kids to eat lentils.  And look beautiful. Some days, the most victorious part of the day is getting groceries. How do other moms get to the: post office, play group, gym, Anthropologie AND the grocery store? Am I lazy? Crazy? A bad planner?

I'm doing that comparison thing that I'm not supposed to do, right? Right.

But the reality is: I do. I totally compare. I compare, compare, compare, and you know what the weird thing is? I'm always the loser.

We really are our own worst critics, aren't we?

I've been thinking of posting "I'm enough" all over my house, for when I forget.

What do you all do to feel like you're enough?

xo,

B





15 comments:

  1. I get the whole some days getting groceries is victorious. Yesterday my husband asked me to take a package to the post office. Of course I finally agreed to. But dropping off a package with an almost 6 month old while its raining during nap time is NOT the easiest thing to do. And why did I go during "nap time?" Because my child makes his own schedule..and I had a board meeting earlier in the morning and he was with a sitter. But its worth it. and You Brett are enough :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The rain. It's such a day-ruiner! I honestly believe that rain makes an already difficult task twice as difficult. Thanks for posting, Sarah. :)

      Delete
  2. girl, lets sit down and talk about the sort of mornings I have. Im the biggest "loser" of all! I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am for God's ABUNDANT and RICH grace and mercy!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha. I'd love to hear about your mornings. I'm terrified about having two little bundles of joy to hurdle. I mean, love. :)

      Delete
  3. I'm not a mom, but it sounds like you're doing just fine. You have a hyper little boy running around your house. I can barely manage to do five errands in a day and I don't have any little people to take care of! Don't feel like you need to be someone else. You're not them, you're you :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHA! I was always told I wouldn't know what I did with all of my time when I didn't have kiddos. Eh, I guess I can see that, although there are other things that take up our time when we don't have babes. It's the ENERGY that I miss! THanks for you sweet comment, Syndi!

      Delete
  4. "Never compare yourself to others, because you don't know their journey."

    I found that quote (forget who said it) a while back and I think of it every time I feel like I'm not being the best version of someone else ;) And if I'm being honest, I'm thankful that my journey does not involve morning runs or lentils. I suppose someday it could. God willing, it will not. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Playpen?! We grew up in one, the only way Nana could get a shower!

    ReplyDelete
  6. ohhhh my goodness. what a crazy day! I would have cried, too. simon is giving you GREAT writing material. :) I haven't felt 100% "enough" in a long time (see my latest post). can I suggest something even though I don't have a kiddo? forgive me if you've already tried this, and know it comes from a place of simply trying to be helpful. a mom I babysat for in Hburg did this and I thought it was genius: "quiet time" in a pack and play. the toddler had a few books and toys to play with, and the pack and play was put in a bedroom with the door cracked so she could be subtle-y checked on. I've heard of trying 5 minutes at a time and then working up to 20 or more minutes. This lil girl knew she had her QT at the same time every morning and happily went in every time (she stayed in for 40 min, but that might be a girl thing). They had a baby who would sleep at the same time in a different room, so the mom (or sitter) would get a break from both.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's really smart! I put Simon in his crib this morning while I went to get dressed. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. The only damage done was allllll of his toys and even his crib bumper ended up on the floor, but it was all contained! :) Thanks, Laura. xoxoxox

      Delete
  7. Sometimes... I just accept the fact that I am not.

    This is beautiful. I don't usually comment on blogs but I appreciated this. Cheers to you, Brett.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Joe! I love having a male-reader! Made my day. And your words are wise, my friend. Thank you for your comment. Hugs to you!

      Delete
  8. Omgggggg thatis so scary!! So glad he is ok.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm not a mom, but I forwarded this to my good friend who is. She cried in her bed as she read this...ironically as it is, 'enough' is her word of the year. Thank you for always being real with us!

    ReplyDelete