Am I such a cliche for doing a post like this? Probably, y'all. But that's OK. I love a good reflection, so I've propped up my feet, put the fire on (y'all, our gas bill this month....!), put the Bubs down for a nap, and I'm thinking back on 2013.
The start of '13 wasn't my favorite. Not at all. I think back to this time last year, and I remember sleepless nights. Not because of having a baby; in fact, he slept through the night like a miracle child since he was 12 weeks old, but because of these darn panic attacks I had. I would lie in bed, listen to N's breathing slow down and become rhythmic, and then I would have this feeling that I was the captain of this huge Bakertown ship with important cargo, and I didn't want the responsibility. I don't really know how else to explain it. It came complete with its own sea sickness. I would get up around 1am each night, convinced that I wouldn't make it to the bathroom before I puked. Then I'd get there, turn the lights on, put my cheek on the cool tile and realize I was OK. When I went back to bed, it would all start over again.
Honestly, people. One of the highlights of my year was letting myself go on anxiety medication. It wasn't a cure-all, but it helped at a time when I felt like no one or nothing could penetrate my crazy.
In February, I started writing more freelance pieces and sending them to various magazines. I felt brave and accomplished, and I surprised the heck out of myself when I didn't fall to insecure pieces when an idea would be shot down or a piece wouldn't be published.
I think I finally fell into a place of confidence this year; knowing what I'm pretty good at, and also being just fine with my weaknesses, too. I'm a pretty good writer if I have the right project. I'm a good cook given a ball park recipe. I'm a good mom. I'm a good wife. I care really deeply about people and have a longing to understand them, but I also understand if they aren't at a place where they can care back (that was HUH----UGE). I found my place, finally, writing for the Junior League after years of feeling like the round peg in the square hole or whatever-the-heck ya call it. I took on a larger role at Portico, being a point person for the kids' ministry. And I started a business with Arbonne International, something I NEVER thought I'd do. But I jumped in with both feet, promoted halfway to the top of the company in 6 months, and--by golly--I'm not looking back. The support and belief and quality of the people in Arbonne have done so much for my personal growth. It's about so much more than skincare to me.
But folks, I'm also fairly inconsistent (err...sometimes downright bad) in other areas. I go to the gym, like, twice a month. And when I'm there, I really prefer to give about 70% instead of balls to the wall. I'm still bad at returning calls and texts. I don't know if I'll ever send out a Christmas card...I have exactly zero systems in place to keep my home organized or tidy. I forgot family birthdays. I rarely make time to meet up with girlfriends and end up hermitting (?) all day in my yoga pants, doing work, re-microwaving coffee, then complaining that I hadn't had an adult conversation all day. I waste so much time and energy on Netflix, instead of finishing all the books I've bought.
And some of these things, I seeeeriously need to work on. I've known that for years. But this year, I finally quit beating myself over them.
I went to the beach a lot this year. I'll never regret that. People are meant to be near the ocean as often as possible, I think. I spent a lot of time with family. I ate a lot of new food. N. and I made another baby, even though we were scared to. 2013 wasn't fancy, but it was rich. Rich, rich, rich.
Happy New Year, y'all. 2014 is going to be lovely!