I'm a fairly crunchy mom. I go to prenatal yoga and put kale in my smoothies. I can find or make a home remedy for almost anything. I believe that God gave our bodies more resilience than we think. I prefer doing things "naturally" when possible, although I'm not dogmatic. Sometimes ya just need a Tylenol. And french fries.
So I found it odd that- soon after N. and I found out I was pregnant again- I felt a panicky need to secure myself an epidural this time. I dreamed about it. I swore up and down I'd never have a "natural" birth experience again. I felt like I was the only "crunchy" mom in the world who wouldn't have described her birth experience as "beautiful" or "peaceful".
No siree. Not this gal. When I think back on Simon's birth story I remember fear, pain and begging N. for an epidural.
I get frustrated, because I had all the right tools in place: I had the best doula in town, a supportive husband, a low interventionist doctor and a Bradley class under my belt. What was I missing?
Why am I so afraid to do this again?
The more I think about and remember my last experience, the more I realize that the fear I'm remembering was the thoughts I built up in my own head. I told myself it would never end. I told myself this was the worst experience of my life. I told myself I absolutely couldn't do it if I didn't get drugs.
I wonder if I could find a way to keep my thought dialogue under control, could I do it again?
So much of what we believe about our reality is because we've convinced ourselves of those things in our very own minds. I think our brains can be breeding grounds for the most debilitating thoughts. And then I think about this verse from Corinthians:
"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting
down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the
knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience
of Christ." 1 Corinthians 10:4-5 NKJV
If I take my thoughts captive and filter them through truth, then I think I could do this thing again.
Now the hard part...how?
This gal has been a tremendous encouragement to me this morning, and she suggests this album along with this book as tools for a fearless birth. It's weird, y'all. I'm not afraid of pain. I'm really just afraid of being scared, panicky, anxious and helpless. I'm believing that this birth will be different. And that I can walk away feeling victorious instead of traumatized.
Any advice from you Mamas out there?