Friday, August 30, 2013

I got a guy's number

I just got a guy's number from a friend.

"I'll forward you his information," she said, and a few seconds later, a new e-mail popped up in my phone with his first and last name, then his cell phone number.

I saved him to my contacts.

He's a counselor. "The best in town," they say.

I got his information Wednesday. Today is Friday, and I haven't done anything. I pull up his number, but I haven't pressed "call" yet. I keep remembering that I need to unload the dishwasher, and oh yeah, I should clean the sheets, or I really, really need to respond to this email. My phone sits all clunky-looking in its Otterbox on my table next to a few crumbs, a dirty paper towel, a pen, a post-it and some baby wipes. I'll get to it later, I think.

One of my favorite movies as a kid was Harriet the Spy. She keeps a secret notebook where she writes down painful details of her and her friends' lives. One day, someone in her class finds her notebook and reads it out loud to all of her classmates. She's devastated. Harriet starts acting out, she's being bullied in school and she's all-around miserable. After a particularly rough day, she plunges headfirst into a bathtub where she envisions every thing that's happened to her. She then rips apart her journals and when her parents come to talk to her, she covers her ears, and whispers,

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine."

Soon she's screaming,

"I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm fine!"

I do this often. One of the things I hear most about my blog is that I'm vulnerable, and I think it's usually a compliment.

In reality, I'm selectively vulnerable. 

There are things I won't put here or anywhere else.  I should say, there are stories I won't tell here or anywhere else. I love sharing about myself with you all, because I love when we can connect. But there are other people in the story that made me, well, me--the good me, the bad me, the insecure me, the medicated me, the kind me, the enraged me, the redeemed me, the regretful me...all of it.

There are parts I'm willing to share, be open about, be honest about, but there are other, equally as damaged parts of me that would rather sit on my bedroom floor, cover my ears and tell you,

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine."

ENTER: the need for said counselor.

I avoid it because I don't want to "go there" you know? I don't want to open that stuff back up and have to look at it, sift through it, talk about it, figure it out.

I told a therapist friend of mine, "I thought I could wait it out."

She laughed, politely, and told me that only makes it worse. "Go to a counselor, heal it, move on," she said.

Fine. I'm not fine.

I guess I should call now, huh?

xo,

B




14 comments:

  1. CALL!

    It's uncomfortable, but GOOD.

    And when you tell your counselor that you think you can stop going, that everything is all better, and (s)he laughs at you, know that you're not alone.

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    1. Thanks, Maggie. And I can totally "see" a counselor laughing at me when I think I'm really "fine" again. HA! Good point

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  2. Call. I saw a counselor at two different points in my life, and both times it was extremely beneficial. Challenging, yes. Frustrating, yes. But after it all I felt so much free-er and lighter and stronger. I will say this: if you don't feel like you have a good connection with your counselor, it's okay to ask to see someone else. Gender, age, personality all contributed to my comfort level.

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    1. Thank you. That really is good advice. I will remember this!

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    1. thanks you--i did made the call, so we shall see!

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  4. Brett,
    I know what you mean! I am an open book to most everyone but there are some things I only share with select people. There are some things that I don't like to talk about because I get too mad/sad....feel too much. I am the same way that I sometimes would rather just say I'm fine when really inside I'm not. And I see a therapist, but there's a lot to work out, and it takes a whie. I think you should call because your stuff to sift through will be easier to sift through with an unbiased opinion. I don't think it's easy as "go to a counselor, heal it, move on" but it's worth it to see someone. I'm not fine either, but I hope I can be one day and you can be too.

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    1. Lindsey: totally agree. At least, from what I can tell. :) Thank you for your insight. Hugs!

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  5. I feel like we are so on the same page! I am gluten-free, an Arbonne user, just started taking anti-anxiety meds, and just started seeing a therapist. It's been a tough past year, but I am so excited for healing this year! Your body needs time to heal, but you will get there! I was always afraid of seeing a counselor - I am super independent, and didn't want to "need" someone, but it was very down-to-earth and basically just a new person/friend/caring woman to talk to. Hope you find a good fit and are able to heal!! The good news is all God requires from us is faith - trusting and depending on Him. So breathe easy :)

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    1. Twinsies! Hopefully in some good ways and not all bad, ha! Thanks for the sweet words. Best of luck to you, friend.

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  6. Thank you for this post. I have a counselor's number sitting on my kitchen table and I have been resisting calling to make an appointment, but this post is very encouraging.

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    1. Hey, you're welcome. Sounds like you and are in similar places. I called on Friday--you can do it!

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  7. So glad to hear you called. I saw a therapist a few years ago. I still think of her and the conversations we had often. Well, I don't know if they were REAL conversations. It was mostly ME talking and her listening. I hope you have a great experience with your counselor. And, I love Harriet the Spy. Most young writers do, I think :)

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  8. I'm glad to hear that you made the call. I saw a therapist a few years back. I still think of her and the conversations we had often. Well, they weren't REAL conversations. It was mostly ME talking and her listening. I hope you have a great experience with your counselor. And, I love Harriet the Spy.

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