Monday, July 29, 2013

I....think I want another baby

I got pregnant with Simon close-ish to two years ago,  at a time when I didn't necessarily want to be pregnant. I still had fun stuff to do without having to wear a Moby wrap while doing it.

I had friends without kids, and we had restaurants to go to for dinners we didn't plan and budgets we didn't adhere to, a dog to spoil, two incomes to spend on things like full foils and pedicures without needing to get a babysitter.

But I did get pregnant, and realized pretty quickly that while my days of independence were maybe a tad shorter than what I'd hoped, I was growing a human--half N., half me, and that was pretty cool.  Plus, everyone who is pregnant with her first baby is at least slightly naive about how her life is about to be TURNED.UPSIDE.DOWN by the neediest, fussiest most LOVABLE human being on the planet, so there I was, with a positive pregnancy test in my bathroom, and I thought,

"Welp. OK. Plans change. I'm a flexible person. Let's do this."

I told N. that our Europe trip was off, because we were having a baby in July instead. He was happy-ish. I kinda feel bad for the daddies when they have no idea what's coming. I had the sore boobs and the fact that I couldn't walk from one side of the house to the other without needing a nap, but he was blindsided. I think he was shocked, but happy, but shocked, but happy. Or something.


Anyway, we're both go-with-the-flow-ers, so we cowboy/cowgirl-ed up and dove into the being pregnant thing together. What I mean by that is N. went to parties and told everyone I was sick, so I could stay home and fall asleep with my sunglasses and shoes still on, and everyone figured it out by the time I missed the fourth holiday cocktail shindig. We did make it to N.'s new company's holiday party, but I was irate by the end, because he caused us to miss the 9pm shuttle back into town, and he had sworn I could be in my bed by 10pm.

I say all this, because I've never had the current feeling I've had for the past six weeks:

It's a feeling paired with a fact.

Fact: I'm not pregnant

Feeling: I think I'd like to be pregnant

This is huge for me. I swore looking at 8-week-old Simon that I was done. He was an only child, and I'd just have to make sure he wasn't a brat, but there was no waaaaaaaay I was doing this again. This sucked.

God must give mothers amnesia about the first weeks, because for the past month, I've been daydreaming about swaddling a squirmy newborn into a swaddleme and nursing him/her to sleep.

WHO AM I?! I don't even like nursing!

Maybe it's because I see, now,  that I didn't lose it all. I thought I was going to.

I felt like I lost my whole self to motherhood. Over the year, I've added the good bits back on. Maybe I don't have to lose my whole self again next time? Or maybe I'm just not afraid to? I feel like I know what to expect, er, not expect next time.

Anyway, there's not much of a point to this post, other than to put it down in words for myself. And for anyone else out there feeling like you can't do it. You can. You will. And then you just might want to do it again someday...

xo,

B




3 comments:

  1. hi! i'm a blog stalker of yours :) i had a baby boy born in may 2012, right around your simon. anyway just wanted to say hi & tell you i looooove this post. i like how honest your writing (and motherhood) is. so, thanks! :)

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  2. hi, jess!! thanks for reading and for your post. i bet simon and your boy would be great friends. :) thanks for saying "Hi"...Hi back to ya!

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  3. hi there, I stumbled across your blog while looking for a similarly titled blog, and I have to say this post absolutely made my day!! :)

    I'm a new mom to a 4 month old baby boy and some days I feel like there is NO WAY I would ever be able to survive taking care of another little one sometime down the road bc just getting through each day right now seems so hard!!!! Thank you for putting it out there on the internet that a) it does gets better, and b) it might be possible to not lose my whole self (LOVE that you said this bc I've been thinking that for weeks already!)

    Hope you're having a good week! :)

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