Thursday, July 11, 2013

and then God made Clonazepam

I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting you're in a bad place. I can't tell you how much love and support I got after I hit "publish" on that post with a shaky finger back in February. I got tons of advice from people who care for me. I took a lot of it, put it into practice for awhile, saw a little change, then would slowly slip back into panicking each night as the sun went down.

I tried so. hard. to "fix" it the "natural" way.  I used herbs, I did yoga, I prayed, I posted Bible verses. I tried massage, eating different foods, getting more Vitamin B12, D, and A, B, C, D, E, F, G through Z.

I realized, slowly, that my pride was even bigger than my desperation. And y'all. I was desperate.  I was not going to be a medicated person. I knew I could will myself to get better.

After months of being stubborn and miserable, I threw my hands up, literally, at the doctor's office and told him to give me a Xanax and a shrink. He wasn't amused, and I can usually make this guy laugh. I felt a little cue in my gut. Something clicked. It's time, I thought. He  told me he was going to prescribe Clonazepam, and I felt my spirits lift. I filled it, took it that night, and fell asleep without my heart racing. I listened to it go thump, thump, thump at a normal, healthy speed, and the next thing I knew, it was morning.

I believe that God created people to be all different types: artists, farmers, doctors, yoga teachers, moms, chefs, firefighters and dog-trainers. God created people with different gifts, some of whom have a gift for medicine. Do I think medicine is the answer to everything? Certainly not. No gift is the answer to everything. But I am so thankful for the medication that I'm taking now.

I thought I'd feel like a statistic attached to a stigma, but really I feel like a person who was blessed enough to find relief in a medication. And God, "from whom all blessings flow."

I am at the point where I don't have to take it every day. I'm at the point where I see the sun going down, and instead of feeling like I'm going to die, I just think "Oh, the sun's going down" as simple as that.

Anyway, I wanted to thank all of my readers who sent me encouraging emails and letters and comments. Thanks for truly caring for me. I'm much better now, and I wanted you to know.

I also hope that if there's anybody else out there in a similar place as I was, that you can find peace in knowing that it's O.K. to need something other than yourself to get you through it. 




  1. yes.
    thank you for having the guts to put this out there, black & white...
    so many times I've struggled (and have been ashamed to have resorted to meds at diffrent times in my adult life) and I've said, "oh, I'm coping...I'm talking to somebody...I'm kinda down..."
    Wish I'd had the guts to just say it...maybe next time I will.
    Glad you are in a better to you!

    1. kim, thanks for the comment. i'm not sure i had the guts, to be honest. i think i had a good dcotor who didn't let me stay where i was. don't be too hard on yourself. and i think you're right---next time will be different! hugs.