Monday, July 15, 2013

And just like that, we have a one-year-old

At this very moment, on this very day last year, I was walking around my house in a sports bra and yoga pants, stopping every few minutes to get through a contraction. This morning, N. said, "Remember this?" then mimicked this pose:

I shuddered and sat cross-legged on the couch, thankful that the only thing I felt in my belly was the coffee gurgling through my empty gut.

In a way, this picture makes me shudder. That is a heavy and huge belly. It was my normal then. Now, I want to take a pin and see if can't pop that taut skin to give it some relief. I remember how badly it hurt, and I remember how much longer I still had to go. I remember my doula coming over and forcing coconut water and almonds down my throat when all I really wanted to do was puke them right back up. I remember Turk getting very concerned each time I had a contraction. He would jump on the bed/couch/toilet and lick, lick, lick my face.

I remember how quickly the world changed around me with each contraction. N. and Jen (doula) would be talking about wine and music and blogs, and five minutes later, I'd be closing my eyes so tight and moaning my way through the pain, thinking I'd never come out of it. Then it was over, and we'd talk about how her dog went blind from eating chocolate. I don't like being out of control, and I for darn sure don't like not knowing what to expect. Labor and delivery had a few things to teach me about being a mother, I'd say.

But mostly I just feel gratitude, because since that very day, I've had 364 days to get to know that baby inside that big 'ol belly. And he's better than I had ever imagined.

photo by Marcy May Photography


At 11:02pm, he came careening out into the world after the doctor flipped his arm from being twisted around behind his head. It felt like a big 'ol fish coming out of me, and I wanted to see his face so badly.





He cried like they do in the movies, then quieted down when they put him on my chest. I looked him over, noticed how much he looked like my dad, how his toesies were webbed, how his hands were BIG, and how he had a terrible bruise on his head from where his arm was stuck and bearing down on it. That's what I'm looking at in this picture. 

I realized quickly that a lot of motherhood is fierce love that comes with worry, and a lot of the time, it's about finding ways not to let that worry spill over too much into the love part.

It's blurry, but it's the only photo we have of N. and Simon moments after he was born


I feel so happy when I remember this year. Not because everything was happy, but because everything had so much purpose.

He was so tiny. We didn't really know what we were doing.

Photo taken by Marcy May Photography


 But we loved him so darn much. We just figured it out as we went. 

Photo by Marcy May Photography
And now, just like that, we have a one-year-old. A red-headed, blue-eyed, six-toothed, speed-crawling one-year-old. 

Happy Birthday to my Simon Rhodes/Simon Rhodles/Si-Man/Si/Bubbins. Our world is so much bigger with you in it.

xo, 

B



4 comments:

  1. What a wonderful post! My belly looks pretty much like yours did in the first photo, although I have a few weeks left to go. I can't imagine my life a year from now but I'm sure it will be amazing and different and wonderful just like this!

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    1. thanks, danielle. yes, i think you'll see as much change in yourself as you do your little baby. biggest congrats, by the way. best of luck to you!

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  2. So sweet.

    I love this line: "I feel so happy when I remember this year. Not because everything was happy, but because everything had so much purpose."

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    1. thanks, kath. i can't believe mazen is almost one, too. golly!!

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