Friday, April 5, 2013

I wished away my son's newborn-dom, but I don't feel bad about it

Simon's eyes are so beautiful right now. We are sitting on the back deck, because it's finally feeling like April in Virginia, and he's bouncing in his johnny jumperoo thing. We call it his "johnny" and, boy, can he go to town in this thing.

I love hearing his fat feet flap on the floor when he bounces.  He's almost nine months old, and I wish he could stay this age forever. I texted this picture to N. and he wrote back, 

"My sweet boy."

He sure is. 

Simon was hard for our marriage at first. Gosh. Newborns need and need and need and need without so much as a smile in return. They need at any given hour of the day or night. The unpredictability  set me on edge and left N. flailing at the inability to find a pattern in what Simon would need at any given moment. Newborn-dom poked and jabbed at both of our weaknesses and put us on our own little islands, way, way, way far away from each other. 

I don't think either of us realized it at first. 

But when we flip through pictures of our brand new little Simon, whom we didn't even know yet, we just look at each other and say, 

"That sucked didn't it?"

Yep. It did. We just flat out didn't know what to do sometimes at 6pm when all I wanted to do was sit and talk to my husband about what he ate for lunch that day, but Simon needed to be nursed, then bounced upright with a pacifier in his mouth and held up against our chest and walked around the house. And by golly, newborns KNOW when you sit down, and they are like getheheckuporI'llscreamagain. That. Was. Exhausting. 

But those days are over now. Now we spend our evening doubled over in laughter at how Simon goes to town on an avocado, or how he can hold a push up position for a minute straight without breaking a sweat.

I see, now, why mommies and daddies have handfuls of kids. There's nothing else like them in the whole big world. 

I write this post, because I have lots of friends who are new moms and dads, or about to be, at least. And they need to hear that it's OK if you secretly wish away those first weeks where you feel that overwhelming and hormonal wave of love and fury and grief come over you and you lock yourself in the bathroom and weep because your old life is so far away now. And you're not sure if you'll ever get it back again. 

You won't. But you'll get a new life, and it's far better than the one you grieve during newborn-dom. 

That's all, friends. Those are my thoughts on this beautiful Friday. Have a fan-stinking-tastic weekend.





  1. wow, it's like you take the words from my mouth and make them coherent and eloquent :) i totally, completely, 100% agree with wishing away the was so much tougher than i ever expected! i'm just so glad that i now know what to expect though and i feel so much more confident if another little one happens to come along. and isn't this age the best?! my little boy will be 9 mo. tomorrow and just learned to crawl/scoot, so babyproofing it is this weekend! i love seeing babies go crazy in those jumparoo's-it's like you can almost see their mind discovering all the ways they can move now!

    take care!

    crystal j.

  2. I have a 6 week old and this legit brought tears to my eyes with its honesty, and all too familiarity. I'm right in the midst of the real life of this post, and glad to know it's normal to feel this way.

  3. So. Stinkin'. True. This was us down to the letter. I did enjoy Mason's first weeks as a newborn but it was so hard. So hard. And it's a think most(not all!) Moms go through. And the Dads don't understand why you feel that way but they feel the same overwhelming-ness in a different way. Thank goodness for the newness, pureness, and neediness of newborns but thank goodness for the fun little people they turn into :) Right there with ya, girl. Enjoy your laughs this weekend that I know Simon will provide!

  4. Thanks for both of your comments. Yes, yes, yes I think it's totally normal to feel that way! Crystal- did you ever and Anonymous, are you currently getting "ooooh cherish this time; it goes by so quickly." and kinda think "ohmygoshshutup"???? It's about survival, y'all. And anonymous, feel free to vent to me anytime about all those hormonal feelings: They can be so darn unruly.

  5. So amazing and honest and wonderful, my amazing friend.

  6. thanks for sharing. so grateful for your honesty :) happy monday!