Wednesday, February 13, 2013

why we fight

N. and I had a spat this morning. He sometimes hums when I'm trying to talk to him, which means he's not listening. Maybe some men can, but my man can't usually hum and listen at the same time. It's not his fault. He's just very focused. It's a strength of his when it's not a weakness. Isn't that how all of our strengths go?

Anyway, we fought about it. Voices raised kind of fought. And when we had both gotten out our frustrations, we smiled.

It was over. We had both gotten our points across and had a good hearty yell about it, then it was done and we felt much better.

We fight because it's good for us and because we've been taught how to fight well.

 I grew up in a family that never fought. I thought fighting was bad. I thought you were supposed to avoid conflict.

ThankyaJesus, N. and I had the most amazing pre-marital counseling where we learned how and when to argue.

There are rules to these fights that were agreed upon back in 2009, before we were even married:

-Never say "you never"
-Never say "you always"
-Never accuse
-Never threaten to leave
-Don't verbalize every thought that comes to mind; filter it. If you're too mad to filter, you're too mad to fight. Wait.
-Use the model "It makes me feel like bleh bleh bleh when you bleh bleh bleh."

These rules are helpful during times when I'm all but about to yell, "YOU NEVER LISTEN!" and then regret it all the livelong day, and when N. [probably] wants to yell, "YOU'RE A CRAZY HORMONAL BASKETCASE!" which he never has, because he's so kind-hearted, but I don't doubt it's crossed his mind.

We fight because it's much better than what we used to do when we were dating, which is brush it under the rug or ignore it until it's a scary monster and we both shut down from emotion-overload. 

I am almost reassured after a good fight. It means that there's still passion and fire and feeling there, you know?

Oh, and then there's always make up s........ee ya!

xo,

B




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