There's this adorable commercial with a chubtastic baby in a sink taking a bath, and it says something like "lalalalala...a baby changes everything."
When I was pregnant, I thought "a baby changes everything" was just an overdramatic way of saying that you'll love your kid a lot.
Nope. Wrong. I'm an idiot.
A baby really does change ev.er.y.thing. For me, at least.
But the thing that having a baby changed for the very very most are the things that I swore I'd never do.
1) I swore I'd never act a fool in public just to get my kid to laugh. I always thought, that woman is talking in THE highest pitched-voice ever just so her baby will smile at her. How annoying.
HA! I got stares in the produce section of Harris Teeter yesterday, because I discovered that Simon would laugh at me if I bent down underneath his stroller then popped up and said "Boo!" I must have done it fifteen times before I moved to the soup aisle. And I didn't care. One. Bit. About the UVA students looking at me like, "Is she seriously wearing slippers in the grocery store?" I'm bulletproof, people.
2) I swore I'd never let the dog lick the baby.
In my defense, dogs eat their own poop. But when the baby is whining at me to get him out of the Bumbo and I'm trying so desperately to make dinner and the ONLY thing that cheers him up is the dog licking his hands, I justify it by slathering hand sanitizer on him afterwards. It's building up his immune system....????
3) I swore I'd never give my baby formula.
I'd like to go back and slap the childless woman who swore this before. As much as I wanted to avoid it, I had to switch to formula* when Simon was four months old, because I stopped making my own supply. What am I supposed to do? And what about babies who are allergic? And what about babies who get Thrush? And what about moms who's milk never comes in? Did I mention I'm an idiot? Because I'm an idiot.
*(I definitely think that breastmilk is best, but if you're like me and you have no choice, then I emphatically recommend Gerber's Good Start formula. It's more expensive, but it's the only formula I--or my ped--has found that's not loaded with corn syrup. I also think there are ways you can use other women's breastmilk, but I admit that I never looked into that.)
Those are probably my big three I-Swore-I'd-Nevers. I've also collected quite a few I-Swore-I-Woulds, which is another topic for another day, people.
Lord, forgive me. I was a judgmental jerk.