Thursday, August 30, 2012

how I'm doing

S. had his six week doctor's appointment yesterday.

I shuffled back to the exam room with S.'s carseat on one arm and an iced coffee in another. I had just gone for a long walk, and my hair was sticking to my forehead. Some women are sexy when they're sweaty and hot. Not me. I get pink and my upper lip sweats.

I sat down with the pediatrician and we spent the next twenty minutes talking about me.

How often do I feel overwhelmed?

Do I get anxious or panicky?

Am I sometimes so sad that I cry?

My answers?

Quite. Yes. Absolutely.

I told him,

One of the things I didn't anticipate about motherhood is how strange it is when my emotions conflict. It feels like they crash against one another, each is fighting for a stronger hold.

Like, when S. is crying and I just can't figure out why:

I love you so much, baby. Why are you crying? I would do anything so you'll be happy again; it hurts me to see you so sad. 

but at the same time,

What the hell, kid? Your belly is full, your diaper is clean and you just had a two hour nap. What do you want from me?!

Both feel so real.

"That is so normal." He told me. That made me feel better.

My sister took this picture of me last week while we were on vacation at the beach, and I both hate and love it:

Tired. No make up. Day old mascara below my eyes. 

But also grateful, peaceful and protective. 

When people ask me how I'm doing these days, I'd like to show them this picture. I think it captures it. 

I'm so tired, all the time. I survive on coffee, Jesus, a good husband, a few hours of sleep and my hairdryer, which--for some reason--calms S. down when I turn it on. Sometimes I cry because I feel anxious and overwhelmed. But I know that I'm a good mom. My son is growing and thriving. My cup overflows with love for this boy. That's how I'm doing. 




  1. Oh Brett! I love this post and that photo of you is just beautiful. I don't have a baby yet and am so thankful for women like you who keep it real so I know what the future may hold. Love to you!

  2. Oh the words of a mother! Then one day you will hardly remember those tired, anxious days. You'll look at that picture when he's two or three and say, "I wish he were that little again. I wish we could do it all over." At least that's how I felt, along with many, many other mothers. All the ages are great, it's just that you want to go back in time for a little while. Thanks for the update. We think about you guys often!

  3. I love reading your blog. Thank goodness for another person who shares honestly about motherhood. I feel exactly the same way as you, a conflict of emotions, regularly! There is the lovey-dovey part of motherhood but there is also a very real, intense, difficult part that is just plain hard. I get annoyed when people only share the "pansies and roses" and never the challenges. You are a beautiful new mom and I love that picture too.