Thursday, June 7, 2012

am I ready?


I’ve officially gotten big enough that folks have started asking if I’m “ready” yet. I’m not sure when the moment was—maybe when I started waddling? Maybe when I had to start taping my bellybutton with scotch tape so it wouldn’t pop through my shirts? Either way, I get the question a lot, and I’m not sure how to answer it. 

My immediate reaction is usually a giddy “definitely!” or “abso-freaking-lutely!” I want to meet this guy, y’all. I want to see his little face and kiss the little feet that he’s been kicking around in there. I want to hear his little hiccups that I’ve been feeling. I want to see if he has any hair. I want to pray for him and read to him and smell his head. I want to see how little he looks in his daddy’s long arms. I want to see N. with him. I want to call him by his name and tell him why we named him that. 

But I’m also quite scared. I’m afraid for him to be outside of me. Right now, I can protect him. I can give him the food and drink he needs and I can keep him from getting germ-y. If he hasn’t moved in awhile, all I have to do is give my belly a shove and he responds with a little shift to let me know he’s OK. I’m scared. I’m scared to have him sleep in the other room in that big crib all alone. I’m scared that I’ll be that mom who goes into his room too much “just to be sure” when, really, he’s fine. I'm scared that I'll let an old enemy of mine back in--fear. 

A month or two back, I awoke suddenly at night. N. was out like a light with his arms tucked underneath him. Turk was snoring on his dog bed. I awoke because I thought I heard a voice saying to me, 

"Do you truly believe that he is Mine first and yours second?" 

I've never heard God's voice before. But I know that--even if it wasn't truly audible, even if it was just Him speaking to my spirit--that God was trying to get my attention that night. 

I think he was gently prodding at my heart, pointing out a tendency of mine--trying to control that which I fear. 

I think that the need for control and the constant effort to eliminate fear is probably a poison to mothers. I can imagine that--if you let it go far enough--that it will darn near paralyze you. 

I want the Lord to teach me to mother with freedom. 

I want to learn to trust Him in a whole new way. 

Am I ready for that?

No, probably not. 

Do I need it?

Absolutely. 








4 comments:

  1. First lesson in parenting that really hit home for me: Don't gasp everytime they fall. If they're hurt they'll cry, if not they'll go back to playing. They feed off of our emotions and if the fear that they can get hurt rules you those little gasps will create the fear in them. Kids are monkeys, they will get hurt but we can teach them independence by letting them decide if they are hurt or just startled!

    Use my thought or trash them, you're mommy to this babe. XOXO When you finally meet him give him a few extra smooches from the friends he has so far away! You, N and the little one are in our thoughts.
    -Athena

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  2. Can't wait to see you grow even more as a person by becoming a mama <3

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  3. You made me think of this poem, which I love...
    "Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

    You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
    which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them,
    but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

    You are the bows from which your children
    as living arrows are sent forth.
    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
    and He bends you with His might
    that His arrows may go swift and far.
    Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
    For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
    so He loves also the bow that is stable." ~Kahlil Gibran
    <3 Asha Mills (Kelsey's sister)

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  4. B- love, love, love the post. Seriously brought tears to my eyes. Though not an expecting mother (we'd have serious issues if that was the case), this is still something that is incredibly applicable-- something I needed to read this morning. Thanks for putting it out there. It challenged and encouraged my heart. xo. Hanna

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