Tuesday, December 7, 2010

baked beans and pride

The sun shines differently this time of morning (9:12am) than it does any other time of the day. The light is squint-my-eyes-to-look-at-the-computer-screen-bright, and it highlights all of the dog hair on my kitchen floor.

I am normally across town at my old job by this time of morning, but starting this week, things are different: no job, just dog hair.

I am remembering what it feels like to be a housewife: quiet, contemplative, clean. It will get lonely by the end of the day, and I will be anxiously awaiting N. getting home. Since I'm not bringing in money, there will be a renewed sense of guilt if I buy anything brand name at the grocery store today (or without a coupon). But I will have time and energy to cook a meal tonight for my husband, and I love this. There are "pros and cons" as they say, in any situation. But the hardest "con" do deal with in this one is the nagging, never-ending sense of,  isn't there something more I should be doing? Right now that list of "something more I should be doing" looks like this:

-vacuum dog hair
-clean the bathrooms
-just clean the whole house
-clean out car (oh, you know, because I spilled a can of uncooked baked beans in my car on Sunday...homestyle-seasoned delight.)
-apply for sub jobs
-buy a wedding gift for this weekend
-send Christmas cards
-go to the gym
-return candles to Michael's
-wash the sweater I'm currently wearing-- the one I've been wearing for the past.....3 days
-walk the dog
-write "thank you" notes to many, many people
-take N's shirts to the dry-cleaner's
-find Columbia coat (has anyone seen it??)
-purchase and wrap Christmas gifts


I know that, by the end of the day, I will have completed a bunch of these tasks, but I will still feel like it's not enough. I often think that when we do eventually have children, I will feel more of a sense of purpose for this stay-at-home-ness, but I'm not sure. Any moms out there who still feel me?

I am a little embarrassed to admit that it very may well be simply a sense of pride, like

I deserve to be doing more
or
I deserve to bring in money
or
I busted-my-butt-to-graduate-early for this?


Pride.

So today I'm praying that God gives me a sense of purpose for whatever His will may be for me.

May I fulfill my duties/jobs/roles with grace, thankfulness and humility today.

happy Monday, blogosphere!

B

7 comments:

  1. That sounds like a beautiful list.

    Be sure to play some loud music so you can sing and dance around the house while cleaning.

    And stop feeling so guilty all the time!

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  2. I've recently struggled with endless amounts of guilt too. For me, it was most definitely pride. I wanted to be recognized for doing something greater, something more important. But what's more important than investing in our home, loving our husbands, getting to spend countless hours in the Word, and being available to serve others ... even if that other right now is the dog hair. ;) I'm totally with you!!!! Mark graciously reminded me just a couple of days ago that I should seek to be faithful in "these small things." Our work for the Lord is not in vain. Thanks for sharing your heart ... as always! You're not alone!

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  3. I love you for putting this on "paper." You are taking a stand for truth against a HUGE pervasive cultural lie that the things that matter are the ones that can be talked about at cocktail parties. God sees what is done in secret and HE will reward you. All that matters is what He has called you to- and sharing the journey with other women who struggle with the same thing (like me) so that we can hold each other up in prayer and encourage each other!

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  4. In answer to your question for moms, probably not. Because on your list, you may get one or two things done. Or you may not. And then you will wonder what you did all day and did you make a difference in these children's lives anyway. It's Satan, I suppose, trying to tear us down.

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  5. Motherhood doesn't remedy one iota for that "gaping need a purpose guilt void" we all have. If anything it might make it deeper and potentially more devasting. That deep longing is satisfied by nothing and no one but Jesus Himself. TRUST ME. He gets to be the uncontested fullness because He knows He is the best kind of full out there. He has wired the whole thing to be daily too- because He is after that kind of relationship. There is not a day that we wake up that Jesus isn't full and we aren't in desperate need of filling. Oh that we would take Him up on His Word!!

    Isaiah 55

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  6. i know i'm very late in seeing this post (i'm working my way through your blog), but oh my GOSH you've read my mind. i imagine by now, a few months after you wrote this, things are different in your life & maybe you're not feeling this way anymore, but you have written exactly what i'm going through now. its almost weird how similar-- i graduated early too, and definitely think "i did all that for well, nothing?!" i'm recently married, working part time at a daycare, making no money, with a Master's in teaching. and i love being home most of the time too, but feel guilty as well, thinking that i should be working a real job & can only stay home once we have kids. anyways, all that to say, its good to know someone else felt that way too! i hope God has revealed what his purpose is for you!

    ps. there's a verse in either 1 or 2 timothy that tells young women to (i'm summarizing) take care of their homes and their families-- that's their most important role. sorry i don't have the actual verse:)

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  7. @Ashley, thank you so much for the kind words. I tried to get to your blog, or shoot you an email to say thanks, but I couldn't find it. =( Anyway, I'm glad you and I have so much in common! It's nice to to know someone out there feels me!

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