Tuesday, September 28, 2010

8.75 Months

That's right, friends. It's been 8.75 months since I married my man.

I think that I have learned a lot--through experience & trial-and-error. But mostly by talking with N. about anything and everything.

Have I been married long enough to give advice yet?

Probably not.

Could I just give my very favorite one then? Ok.

1)Talk about anything/everything/anyone/everywhere with your spouse

This probably doesn't jive with most marriage books...you know, boundaries or whatever, but it's made me feel closer, more intimate, more trustworthy, more trusting and more satisfied than much else.

You see, I think that humans want four basic things:

1. coffee
2. to be loved
3. to be heard
4. to be understood

I don't think there is anything sweeter than knowing someone and being known by them. I feel freedom in coming to N. with anything that is on my mind or in my heart. And I know that he feels the same with me.

Last night, as we were falling asleep he told me that he had finally found words to answer the question that we've been getting a lot lately,

"So, how's marriage?"

I was too, too curious, so I rolled over, kicked off the covers and asked


and he said.

"The best part of marriage is knowing that no matter where we are or who we're with, you and I are on the same page."

Yep. I agree. And you know how to achieve this same paged-ness ?

Talking. A lot. About anything. 

There is nothing that can make you feel so trapped as not being able to speak your mind, I think.  

So I've learned that, instead of sulking in the corner or tallying up offenses or making lists of insecurities, 

I just talk to my husband. 

Maybe it's just me, but at first, this was harder than it seems. 

Sometimes it's hard to find words. Sometimes it's harder to find time. 

Still, I'm thankful that I've learned this. I'm thankful that I have a husband who listens, who wants to listen and who knows me. 

I'm thankful that I started talking. 


ps. this is irrelevant (sort of) but here is a photo of N. and me, right after opening our very last bottle of wedding wine



  1. I agree completely with your advice. I think that part of what hurt my most recent relationship was that I live life like a very open book and (and wrongly expect the same), while she usually revealed things on a need-to-know basis. I found this to be constantly frustrating.

  2. @Tim--I absolutely used to be like that. I don't know why. I found it frustrating ABOUT myself. I hope that you find another open book and that you can gab your whole lives long!

  3. I just read the part in As For Me and My House where Wangerin talks about loneliness, and the profound need to be in community. This is the one-ness/forsaking all else part of marriage. And I am so glad my bro found it with you. And I am so glad you recommended Wangerin's book to me. And I am so glad you're my sistah.

  4. Amen.
    It's amazing the freedom one finds in a loving, honest, supportive relationship... the freedom to talk and be heard, to love and be loved in return, to share the innermost parts of oneself.

    It's a beautiful, sacred thing :)

  5. yep yep yep - you man is a good listener - like his dadeeyo and better yet, I think I can assure you he will stay that way! and perhaps, if it fits for you, he will by example, help you to listen to others more fully and intentionally like his father has done for me- I so needed that and it has been such a good balance for me :-) such an honor to have a good husband!

  6. This is good...this is real good. I'm going to try talking with Trinity tomorrow...see how it goes. If all goes well, I'll talk to her again.