Monday, March 1, 2010

inventory

Each year, I like to sit alone on my birthday or faux birthday (as I was born on February 29th), make a cup of tea, and remember everything about the past year. I count my moments of harsh exfoliation which begat great breakthrough and tally up the figurative scars. Let's call it inventory--emotional, physical, spiritual and the like. I usually cry, and I am now.

Last year this time, began a road of doubt, insecurity, and; fear. These three demons have been my most complex, my most terrifying life experiences yet. They build on one another--a circular relationship; the momentum of one would spur on the other until my spirit was nothing but a centrifugal, unbearable mess.

This sounds so pitiful, but I was so broken.

The emotions of a story aren't real without the details, but the Lord has not (and doubtfully will) release me to share those here--it is not my job to expose or victimize myself and others.

But I will say, that the fruition of these circumstances looked like this:

I remember many times, sitting on my bed in my house on Mason St, staring at my diamond engagement ring on the floor. Its glare felt like hope and also like a threat. I can't do this, I thought.

I remember talking to my family outside of Carrier Library, phone-to-ear, pacing and kicking up dirt....hiding behind bushes so my professors wouldn't see me crying. My family is falling apart, I thought.

I remember getting back Ds and Fs on tests that I hadn't had time to study for, Cs on essays I had thrown together. I stared out the windows of my classrooms. I'm such a waste, I thought.

I remember running into dress fittings, late, alone, with no makeup on as other brides were there with their families, beautiful, radiant. This isn't how it's supposed to be, I thought.

I remember feeling guilty as the scale dipped lower every day. The only thing I can control is what I weigh, I thought.

I remember thinking almost every day I'll never get through this.

But as I sit here today, on my sofa with my new house with my new husband, I can't help but weep.

God has been so faithful to me. 

Because I did get through it. And today, March 1 2010, I am happy. Finally.

I am married to the man I know that God created for me to love. He is the greatest gift I've ever been given.

I graduated in December with a perfectly acceptable GPA.

My wedding day was more than everything I had ever dreamed. My face hurt from smiling. I was so happy that I could not cry. I felt peaceful, calm and right. God was glorified.

I have gained 7 pounds since our honeymoon, and when I get on the scale, I am not mad at myself.

I am secure in knowing that I am loved. By God, by Nathaniel, by my family and my friends.

"I can't remember a trial or a pain, He has not recycled to bring me gain" -"Faithful" by Sara Groves

-B







6 comments:

  1. I'm so very, very glad, Brett...Sounds like one of my favorite verses...that Superchick turned into a great song...here...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-GPbY

    I've just met you...but I love you deeply already! ~Janine XO

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  2. Being engaged was a kind of emotional hell for me, too. :(

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  3. I love your beautiful honesty! Thanks for sharing your story and your heart. Glad you are here to stay!

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  4. What a wonderful example of God's faithfulness and reminder that its His timing not ours. Thanks for sharing and happy birthday!

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  5. ...
    I feel like I could've written that :)
    *hug*
    I love reading your blog.

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  6. the verse I recall the most when I take "inventory" as you call it, is this:

    I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten {...}
    You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
    and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
    who has worked wonders for you;
    never again will my people be shamed.

    Joel 2:25,26

    Thanks for sharing. There are many who stand with you.

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