Each year, I like to sit alone on my birthday or faux birthday (as I was born on February 29th), make a cup of tea, and remember everything about the past year. I count my moments of harsh exfoliation which begat great breakthrough and tally up the figurative scars. Let's call it inventory--emotional, physical, spiritual and the like. I usually cry, and I am now.
Last year this time, began a road of doubt, insecurity, and; fear. These three demons have been my most complex, my most terrifying life experiences yet. They build on one another--a circular relationship; the momentum of one would spur on the other until my spirit was nothing but a centrifugal, unbearable mess.
This sounds so pitiful, but I was so broken.
The emotions of a story aren't real without the details, but the Lord has not (and doubtfully will) release me to share those here--it is not my job to expose or victimize myself and others.
But I will say, that the fruition of these circumstances looked like this:
I remember many times, sitting on my bed in my house on Mason St, staring at my diamond engagement ring on the floor. Its glare felt like hope and also like a threat. I can't do this, I thought.
I remember talking to my family outside of Carrier Library, phone-to-ear, pacing and kicking up dirt....hiding behind bushes so my professors wouldn't see me crying. My family is falling apart, I thought.
I remember getting back Ds and Fs on tests that I hadn't had time to study for, Cs on essays I had thrown together. I stared out the windows of my classrooms. I'm such a waste, I thought.
I remember running into dress fittings, late, alone, with no makeup on as other brides were there with their families, beautiful, radiant. This isn't how it's supposed to be, I thought.
I remember feeling guilty as the scale dipped lower every day. The only thing I can control is what I weigh, I thought.
I remember thinking almost every day I'll never get through this.
But as I sit here today, on my sofa with my new house with my new husband, I can't help but weep.
God has been so faithful to me.
Because I did get through it. And today, March 1 2010, I am happy. Finally.
I am married to the man I know that God created for me to love. He is the greatest gift I've ever been given.
I graduated in December with a perfectly acceptable GPA.
My wedding day was more than everything I had ever dreamed. My face hurt from smiling. I was so happy that I could not cry. I felt peaceful, calm and right. God was glorified.
I have gained 7 pounds since our honeymoon, and when I get on the scale, I am not mad at myself.
I am secure in knowing that I am loved. By God, by Nathaniel, by my family and my friends.
"I can't remember a trial or a pain, He has not recycled to bring me gain" -"Faithful" by Sara Groves