Monday, March 29, 2010
I think that:
"We all are hunters, hunting for something that will make us o.k."
We search for a lot, I think. We work for a lot. We want to be important, needed, good, wanted, driven, useful & right. We are forever trying to tweak things, because contentment isn't something we do. Situations, relationships, emotions, people, etc, and they don't make any sense and we want them to. We will do the most wrong things to make them fit our idea on how life was supposed to turn out. We are capable of more foolish things than we think. And none of it helps.
I remember when I first met Nathaniel. I was at a stupid place--lying about who I was and things I'd done. I remember knowing that he was the one for me, but not understanding why, when, how. I told N. over and over again you're too good for me.
I had layers of gunk piled between my skin and my raw, beating heart. It took a little while to peel away at it.
If there is one thing I've learned since then, almost three years ago, it's that
I had nothing to worry about
I remember lying on N's floor, after unloading on him about the way I'd been living and thinking
And this song came on.
here we lay alone
in hospital beds tracing life in our heads
but all that is left is that
this was our entrance
and now it's our exit
as we find our way home
and all the blood and all the sweat
that we invested to be loved
follows us into our end
and we begin to understand
"you were a million years of work"
said God and His angels,
with needle and thread
they kissed you head and said
"you're a good kid
and you make us proud
so just give your best
and the rest will come
and we'll see you soon."
-"Needle & Thread"
And I got it. That life isn't about our understanding of it. Life is about enjoying what you've been bestowed and looking forward to going Home. And meanwhile, he gives us gifts--people, relationships, situations--bad, good, stupid.... We aren't supposed to understand them, but we are supposed to love them. And we don't have to work so hard. Let me say it again:
We don't have to work so hard
I'm not wise, and not many people come to me for advice, but if they did, I think that is the one thing I'd say. I would sit them down in my breakfast nook and give them a piece of cranberry walnut tart and squeeze their hands and say,
Everything that's supposed to happen, will happen.